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Whether it’s an annoying colleague, a difficult customer or an unreasonable policy, we all need to learn about handling anger at work.
As a manager for over thirty years, I have seen many responses to anger in the workplace, and have had my own experiences with it as well.
Sometimes there is really good reason to be angry at work. Other times, we’re just tired and our buttons got pushed. Either way, we need to understand ourselves well enough to know what triggers us and how we need to respond.
I have, on more than one occasion, sat in front of an infuriating email and told myself that responding immediately will almost surely result in my unemployment. I was probably right, so I’m glad I learned to control that anger to address the issue another day. I hope this post helps you to do the same.
Anger for good reason may well require a response
If there is a policy that is harmful to staff or clients or people are being mistreated, I am not suggesting just keeping your head down. What I am saying is that we need to have enough control over our own emotions to be sure that our proactive response will be thought-out, appropriate and presented in a way that will make others listen.
When I’m really angry at work, I find that it helps to do the following:
- Walk away from the email. Really, just walk away. When you’re angry is not the right time to respond. (For more on email etiquette take a look at Five Rules for More Effective Email at Work)
- If it’s during a meeting, just be quiet. Unless you have enough control to express what is making you angry in a calm and constructive way, don’t address it right then
- Spend time doing something completely different
- It’s ok to vent, but only to the right people. If you have a trusted colleague, maybe. If you have that kind of relationship with your boss, maybe. It might be better to vent to your spouse or a friend once you get home, rather than someone at work, until you’re really sure it’s worth it.
- Do not vent to customers, clients, vendors, funders, board members or anyone else outside the situation (except family and friends, as noted above)
- Sleep on it. Let whatever it is marinate to be sure it really warrants the level of anger that it elicited. Sometimes I wake up so pleased that I didn’t respond yesterday. It just wasn’t worth it.
Other times I wake up still angry, but ready to deal with whatever the situation was in a constructive manner. Either way, sleeping on it is a good choice.
Now, if you’re still angry, there is probably good reason for it
Write out the thing that is making you angry. Use full sentences and re-read it several times to be sure it makes sense. This is where a trusted colleague can be helpful. See if it makes sense to someone else.
Now you’ll want to decide if you are going to address the issue in person or in writing. There are good reasons to use either.
Whether you’re writing or speaking, use “I” statements. I know, “I statements” is such a cliché. But it really is the best way to address an issue without sounding like you’re blaming others. You’re simply stating how you feel and why.
For example: “I was really concerned about your email from yesterday. The way I read it, it looked like you were saying that clients can’t stay in the building during lunch time. Maybe I misread it? I’m worried about what to tell the clients. Can we discuss this?”
That will go over much better than, “Your email from yesterday was either poorly written or harmful to our clients. I don’t know which one.”
In this situation, the email was very poorly written. It made me angry, and reasonably so. But had I addressed it this way, there would have been no resolution and probably some bad blood that would have been hard to remedy.
It should always be ok to calmly address something at work that you think is a problem. Employers appreciate problem-solvers. I follow the steps above to keep my own anger in check, allowing me to address issues constructively and effectively.
